30/04/2017 - Happy Days!

IT'S OFF!!  2 WEEKS EARLY AND I FEEL FRRRRREEEEEEEEE!  Here's what happened:

The day before my routine tightening and shower appointment  (27/04) there was a message on my phone from my orthotist asking me to go to the fracture clinic before the appointment.  I freaked out a bit, given the day I had last Wednesday, I was worried they had found something more serious upon further inspection of the CT scan.  I called the fracture clinic, told them I was anxious and the doc said "it's nothing to worry about, they just want to decide whether the HALO can come off or if you need another re-adjustment". "Come off?  It might come off?".  I tried not to get my hopes up but needless to say, I didn't sleep so well on Thursday night. It turned out that was my last night sleeping in the HALO.  WOO HOO!

Last week's visit to the Alfred wasn't a complete waste of time as the doctor had since looked at the CT and decided I was healed enough for removal, as opposed to risking more problems with the pin sites. Yay! The removal wasn't as bad as I was expecting.  I had watched youtube videos of HALOs being removed and was expecting a bit of pain.  The feeling was more of intense pressure rather than pain, but it doesn't take long.  It's not a pleasant feeling but I had been through worse and it was nowhere near as bad as having it fitted.  I felt a little light headed at first and every tiny movement in my neck felt amplified but it wasn't as weird as I expected.  It was lovely to get the vest removed and feel the air on my back.  I now have to wear a Miami J collar for the next 4 weeks, which is a bit of a bummer but I can tolerate anything after the HALO!

The first thing I did was hug C and it felt amaaaaaaaazing!  Then, I spent the whole day with a massive grin on my face (see above) thinking "I couldn't do that with the halo on" (hug, get in and out of a car without contorting, sit in a comfortable position, put a T-Shirt over my head, scratch my head, scratch my back, brush my hair, wear a beanie, did I mention hug?)  It was like little pieces of joy being dispensed to me all throughout the day.  I put my head against the pillows that night, pulled the duvet right over my shoulders and it felt divine.  C cuddled into my back and I was in heaven!  I haven't had the full hair-wash-shower yet (I've been advised to wait until the pin holes are fully sealed) but tonight's the night and I can't wait.  

For the next 4 weeks, I'm only allowed to remove the collar when I change the linings (every 2-3 days or after I wash my hair) but so far it's a piece of cake compared to the HALO.  I have to be cautious as the fracture is still somewhat unstable and I'm more vulnerable in the collar.  My shoulders and neck feel a bit stiff and the pin sites are itchy but that's minor niggles.  IT'S OFF!  Most of my non-halo clothes are at the festival site so I'm still wearing wide necked tops and this morning I stepped into one and laughed as I pulled it up, forgetting it could have gone over my head.  Sometimes, it's the little things we barely consider in life that we take for granted.

21/04/2017 - Are we nearly there yet?

I'm over it.  Let's face it, I was over it the minute it got fitted but now, stick a fork in me, I'm done.

If I could sum up the Halo experience in one word, the word would be 'boring'.  Not just boring as in not much to do but boring as in there hasn't been much else going on in my life besides the halo.  I'm bored of talking about it, I'm bored of adjusting everything I do to suit it, I'm bored of being uncomfortable, I'm over missing out on things and I'm really over not being able to have a fucking shower. I'm acutely aware of the time that has passed whilst I've been in this and listen with envy to people talking about work and their goings on and their plans.  I can't contribute much to these conversations as I've not done much except learn to live in a halo.

I know, I know, I only have three weeks left.  21 days, that's nothing really.  Current attitude equates to that being a really long three weeks so I have to toughen up.

Speaking of tough, I had a waste-of-time day at the Alfred this week.   The hospital provide halo patients with a handy 'how to live life in a halo' booklet that has a massive scary red box that shouts:

"IF YOU NOTICE ANY OF THESE SYMPTOMS AT YOUR PIN SITES PLEASE CONTACT YOUR ORTHOTIST IMMEDIATELY"

I was aware of an occasional sharp pain in my back left pin over the weekend and when we were cleaning it we noticed it was red and there was a fair bit more crust than usual.  Gross, sorry, but this is 3 of the symptoms they ask patients to look out for.  I woke up on Wednesday morning with throbbing pain that brought me to tears and made me feel sick.  I called them and they asked me to come in so C took the day off work and drove me 2 hours to the hospital.  They checked tensions, poked and prodded, tightened slightly (OOOOOUUUUUUUCCCHHHH!) then sent me for a CT.  This took all day.  In the end they told me they had "good news and bad news".  The pin hasn't moved and the scans look normal, there's no sign of infection but they don't know what's causing the pain.  "Come back if it gets worse". WHAT?  I may as well have stayed in bed with painkillers, that would have been more fun.  Anyways, there is still some pain but it has calmed down so at least that's a positive.

On another positive, completely different note I did something this week that I have never done before and I wrote a song.  It's a thank you to C and I'm going to be brave and play it at the next jam.  It's kinda sweet and I'm proud of it.

So, sorry about the rant, I'm just sick of being the girl in the halo and can't wait to just be me again.  Only three weeks to go, I'm getting restless.  I'm like a child waiting for Christmas.

14/04/2017 - Getting there...

The end is in sight and it's exciting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  4 weeks seems so do-able, it's a relief to reach that mind set.  I don't feel like there is much to report on this week because everything has been fairly 'normal' despite the Halo.

My appointment was on Wednesday, instead of today, because of the Easter public holiday.  The Halo is still behaving itself and everything is on track for removal.  C and I went to the movies afterwards then stayed at a friends house where we caught up and had a few beers.  I met some friends for lunch yesterday then had a few beers with my cousin last night.

I'm staying in Melbourne with my cousin this weekend and it's therapeutic to have a change of scenery.  I'm looking forward to going back to the caravan next week and staying with C, then we have a wedding to attend on the 22nd.  I've found a decent outfit to wear, it's not what I would normally choose, but it's practical and i'll just need to rock it with some red lippy and a headscarf to cover the greys!

It's fun to be out and about and catching up with people.  It helps me focus on what I can still do in this thing, as opposed to lamenting what I can't.  I'm gutted I'm missing Boogie festival but there will be plenty of partying to be done when I'm out of this to make up for it.  All in all everything is ticking along nicely. I still can't wait to have this removed but I can put up with it for the duration and fantasise about hugs, showers and a funky new haircut until then.

7/04/2017 - On the bright side

(over half way at time of posting!)

With my last post being so whiny, I'm counter-acting it with a more positive view.  My last appointment went well, the pins are behaving themselves and I'm on track to having this removed on 12th May.

I had a lovely weekend, hanging with C and friends, watching and playing music and fishing on a beautiful, secluded beach.  I actually managed to take my mind of the halo and really appreciate where my life is at.  Aside from the obvious, I'm in a good place and have a lot to be thankful for.

First and foremost, I am surrounded by wonderful people and lots of love and good energy.  My parents have called nearly every day and talked me through the tough times.  My bro and best mate have called, text and sent funny videos to cheer me  up.  I've gone on enough about how fortunate I am to have met C and have him in my life and he also comes with an amazing family.  His parents have welcomed me into their home and provided me with love, support, comfort, and care. His sisters are looking out for me, checking I'm going ok, lending an ear and keeping me entertained.  My friends are always sending beautiful wishes and words of support.

Secondly, living in Australia means I have access to appropriate medical care and treatment and I haven't had to pay outright for any of it.  Without a job, I can't imagine the predicament I would be in if this had happened somewhere like America.

Worse things happen to better people.  The halo is a conversation starter and people tend to tell me about injuries and illnesses that they, or their loved ones have experienced or are still going through.  This really puts a perspective on what I'm enduring, which will all be done and dusted in 5 weeks.

The halfway point has been significant in adjusting my mindset.   The last week has flown by.  This point seemed so unreachable 3 weeks ago, yet here I am. Can't wait to get the bloody thing off but I'm on the home stretch now and it will all be ok.

29/03/2017 - Oh, The Irony...

A few days ago I was so hot in my lambswool lined vest, all I wanted to do was dive in a pool.  No joke.

The thing that's making me need a big, long, comforting hug is the thing that's getting in the way of a big, long, comforting hug.

The thing that's making me want to curl up in bed and wrap myself in my duvet is the thing that's preventing me from curling up in bed and wrapping myself in my duvet.

The thing that's making me want to get shit-faced drunk is the thing that's not allowing me to get shit-faced drunk.

Maybe, like that Alanis Morissette song, none of this is actually irony.  Maybe it's just bad luck, but it's oh so tiresome.  The most frustrating thing about a halo is I can't escape it.  My troubles are screwed into my head.  This thing infiltrates my mind when I sleep and doesn't even let me dream halo-free.

I'm pleased to have almost reached the half way mark but this has been the longest 6 weeks of my life and now I have to do it all over again.

This isn't the most upbeat of posts and I know I will get through this but I've kind of plateaued for now and can't get past "ok".

I'm anxious about my appointment on Friday.  I'm worried they will tell me I'm not healing and I need to be in this longer.  I'm worried my pins have come loose and they need to move one again or there is an infection brewing.

I know all of these feelings are natural and I'm permitting myself a few off days.  This will all be a memory soon.  Right now, it just doesn't seem like soon enough.

22/03/2017 - Ups and downs

This week wasn't so good.  On Friday I went for my routine appointment, shampoo at the ready, only to be told the back right pin had completely lost tension.  They could basically twist it round with their fingers which felt really bizarre.  A CT scan and a few hours later, they determined it would need to be taken out and a new pin would need to be put in beside it.  Oh, and no shower.  Great.

Re-positioning the pin was about 50% as bad as having the Halo fitted and, trust me, that's bad enough.  C was allowed to be there this time which was a comfort.  It can't be pleasant watching a pin get pushed into someone's head, he was great.  The cause of the loosening is unknown and the front left was also very loose and now has to be monitored closely.  At least there is no sign of infection for now.

Friday night was awful.  I felt so low, over it all and in pain.  I took an Endone to help me sleep then woke up on Saturday morning and had a melt down.  I believe it was the Endone, I felt exactly how I felt in the first few hospital days.  I couldn't stop sobbing and couldn't control my breath which felt horrible as it was putting strain on the two pins screwed into my forehead.  I didn't want to leave the room.  C calmed me down, I had a good wash and felt a bit better.  His sister later performed an emotional healing on me and I released A LOT.  She could feel that my body hadn't fully processed or let go of  all the trauma and shock from the accident.  It made complete sense and I have been much calmer since.  We ended up having a lovely impromptu night with C's family at his sister's house which lifted my spirits.

So, it was back to The Alfred on Monday to have the pins re-tensioned again.  This time I was allowed a shower which made the trip worthwhile.  All being well, I can see the half way line now which I feel will be a huge milestone.  Onwards and upwards.

15/03/2017 - A good week

The last week has flown by and was great!  I had such a good time at Golden Plains.  I hired a mobility scooter which made getting around the site amongst the crowds really easy and added to the fun.  The halo (although beautifully decorated with flowers and glo sticks) was it's usual uncomfortable, annoying self but I embraced it as a different experience and it didn't hinder me too much.  Beer and Espresso Martinis helped:

I had lots of shout outs from the punters:

"You're amazing, you look beautiful"

"Good on you for making it here with that on your head"

"Woah, is that screwed into your skull, that's awesome" (glad someone thinks so)

And my favourite:

"I thought I was doing well bringing my two kids here but you're on a whole new level"

It made me feel really proud of myself and less self conscious.  A good music festival really brings out the best in people.  I got to hang out with my cousin all weekend and he was a total champ.  He let me be me and didn't baby me once.  And the staff, 'The Meredith Family', what can I say?  Such a beautiful bunch of friends to have.  I'm privileged to be a part of it.

08/03/2017 - Getting on with it

3 weeks, 1 appointment down.  The hair wash was GREAT, C helped and I swear I felt how dogs must feel when you scratch behind their ears:

 The pin re-tensioning didn't hurt and was only mildly uncomfortable.  Result!

On Saturday I went back to the festival site to attend a funeral for a great man whom my partner was close to and I had gotten to know.  It was rough.  I have never seen C cry and it was heartbreaking.  I wanted so much to hold him close and comfort him and I felt guilty that I couldn't.  I also couldn't go to the cemetery as it was baking hot and with the lambswool and metal pins I can't be in fierce, direct sunlight too long.  It was a privilege to be there at all, however, and I can visit him at the cemetery another time.  Luckily there were so many beautiful people there and so much support and love amongst them.  It was the usual mix of emotions but good to be able to grieve and share memories with those that were close to him.  We had a bit of a wake afterwards which made for a lovely, fitting tribute.

I coped fine in the caravan and on site which everyone (except C and I) was worried about.

(Relatives can stop reading alert...) 

We even got a little frisky and decided to give it a go, saying if it was awkward and rubbish we would just laugh and give up.  It was actually lovely.  I'm incredibly appreciative to have such a loving, patient, compassionate partner by my side through this ordeal.  My love and respect for him is immense.  You can go and throw up now...

7/03/2017 - Trapped, with Time

Can't do this, shouldn't do that
Sitting around as time gets fat
Days grow, weeks seem to swell
The real pain lies where patience dwells

The sentence sounds short, the chore looms huge
Monotony and boredom are poor refuge
Will soon catch the quarter, the half still laughs
Dividing won't shorten the length of the path

Bones healing as muscles die
Head caged whilst mind tries to fly
Onward, time travels as I am still
Weakened movement, occasional will

17/02/2017 - The first few days are the worst...

"Just keep thinking, you're lucky you're not paralysed."  It's 1:03am and I'm currently trying to sleep with a metal frame that's shoved into four places in my skull and enveloping my head and most of my torso.  I don't feel lucky.  I feel exhausted.  I feel angry.  I feel stupid.

I could've dived into the deep part of the pool.

Things I love:

• Sleep - being so comfortable in bed I feel like I'm wrapped in a marshmallow.  Spooning is an added bonus
• Hot showers and having clean fresh hair
• Good, active sex
• Hugs

Thing I won't be getting for 12 WEEKS:

• See above
• Full independence and freedom

One stupid mistake has robbed me of three months of my life.  It doesn't sound like long in the scheme of things. "It will go by in a jiffy".  84 days of discomfort.  At least 2 music festivals I could't wait for and can now no longer attend.  Social events that will be out of the question.  A new job that I've had to pass up.  No driving.  A wedding I'm reluctant to go to.  Burdening myself on other people as I don't have a home yet.  It's a small price to pay considering the alternative but it's a pretty big price to pay for being a fucking idiot.  For a 2 second decision.  

I could've dived into the deep part of the pool.

"You wear it well".  Thanks, but no one looks good in these things.  My face is squashed against my neck giving me a double chin.  I can't wear normal clothes or wash my hair let alone do anything decent with it.  Just wait until I have 2 month old, grey, greasy regrowth and huge bags under my eyes and tell me I look ok.  Thanks, but I may punch you.  I feel like a freak show.

"You are lucky to have such great support".  I am incredibly lucky and grateful for this.  I have the most caring, kindhearted partner I could ask for.  He's not lucky.  He has put everything important to him aside to look after me.  My parents aren't lucky.  They are worried sick in India, unable to visit as I have nowhere to put them up.  C's parents are settling into their new home whilst juggling their own lives and appointments, their grandkids, a pregnant daughter and have a trip to plan.  Now they have me to contend with.  All because of my stupidity.

I could've dived into the deep part of the pool.  I didn't.  I dived into the shallow and narrowly avoided a major head trauma.  I broke my neck and was very close to becoming a quadraplegic.  I have to wear this Halo for 12 weeks.  I have to accept it.  Right now I feel trapped in a temporary nightmare that I don't want to experience.  It's the most daunting thing I've ever had to face.  One day at a time.  First challenge is getting some sleep.

A bit of background...

There I was, happily living in my partner's caravan on a music festival site, life was going great.  I was due to start a new job and was searching for a house nearby.

On 11th February 2017, my 34th birthday, I dived into a swimming pool, hit my head and broke my neck.  I didn't realise what I had done at first.  Continuing to party that night, I drove myself to the doctors two days later with intense pain across my upper back and shoulders and unable to fully move my neck (great story for the grandkids).  I later found out that if I had moved my neck too far in the wrong direction or sneezed too hard I could have severed my spinal chord and paralysed myself. Eek.

It escalated quickly from there.  Having been referred for X-rays at Geelong Hospital, I drove there, parked in a 3 hour parking zone, fully expecting to be sent home with a neck brace and some painkillers.  The severity began to sink in when the nurse came back with my results and said "now, I don't want to panic you...", which is the worst thing to say to someone you don't want to panic, "...but you have damaged your neck.  We need to take spinal precautions and you have to go straight to emergency."

I called my partner, asking him to come to the hospital and bring someone to pick up his car as I "probably couldn't drive".  About 10 minutes before he arrived I was informed I had fractured my C5 vertebrae in 3 places and was being transferred to the trauma ward at The Alfred Hospital in Melbourne.  I was also told I was very lucky to be able to move my arms and legs.  Shit.

C arrived and I lay on my back staring at a ceiling for what seemed like forever (I have never wanted a ciggie and beer so much in my life) until I was vac-packed into a stretcher.  The paramedic asked if I had ever been in an ambulance before. Telling her I have never even broken a bone, she joked "Well, you picked a bloody good one to start with!"

What followed consisted of the usual hospital stuff; strong painkillers, concerned visitors, needles, X-rays, CT and CAT scans, being woken up at 7am to be bombarded with a heap of confusing information about my condition and options. Options.  My fantastic prospects were either having neck surgery to fuse three of my vertebrae together or wearing a halo brace for the next 12 weeks, allowing my neck to heal naturally.  I'm making this sound light-hearted.  It was awful.  My original thought was surgery.  Get it over with, I do NOT want to wear one of those things for 3 months.  Lots of discussions with professionals and loved ones convinced me otherwise.  The halo was my best option.  C was by my side for most of this and I have never been more grateful for someone's unconditional support and strength.  He was basically my PA for a week, handling a multitude of phone calls, asking the questions I was too overwhelmed to think about, fetching everything I needed, driving here, there and everywhere and holding my hand through the tough stuff.

I had the halo fitted on 16th February.  The fitting was one of the most unpleasant things I have ever experienced (and apparently I have a high tolerance to pain).  Unlike other blogs I have read, there was no morphine, only local anaesthetic.  There is immense pressure when the pins are screwed and I could hear every click and turn.  I probably made it worse as my mind was completely rejecting the though of having to wear the Halo so it really freaked me out.  The docs said "I did really well",  I felt like I was a total wuss.

Reading other people's experience has really helped me through this ordeal, and writing this has been a form of therapy.  This is a blatantly honest account and, although I may joke, I have not sugar coated the experience.  If you are in / going to be in a halo, I hope that I can shed some light on what to expect, although everyone is different.  This is merely my humble advice:

• It DOES get easier.  You are probably sick of hearing this but it's true.
• Don't let people tell you how to behave or what you can and can't do, although listen to advice and be cautious with your actions.  You don't want to be in a halo any longer than you need to be.
• Being in a Halo can be really boring. Don't feel you have to fill your time with anything productive.  By all means, read War and Peace and learn 3 languages if that's your thang but if you want to binge watch the pits of TV in your jammies for 3 months you have every right.  Healing is your job for now. 
• You will be asked the same questions over and over and over and over...("I sleep ok, on my side with the corner of a pillow under my cheek so I feel less like I'm floating"). Be patient.  People are curious and interested which is better than being ignorant and dismissive.
• With a bit of luck you will learn to appreciate your family and friends in a way you never thought possible.  Allow them to help you and vow to yourself to repay them in any way you can, when you are able.
• Recognise your mind and body have been through a traumatic experience.  A positive attitude helps, but allow yourself the tears, tantrums and frustrated rants.  Then get over it, and move on.
• 12 weeks is a long time but the Halo is temporary.  This too shall pass...