29/03/2017 - Oh, The Irony...

A few days ago I was so hot in my lambswool lined vest, all I wanted to do was dive in a pool.  No joke.

The thing that's making me need a big, long, comforting hug is the thing that's getting in the way of a big, long, comforting hug.

The thing that's making me want to curl up in bed and wrap myself in my duvet is the thing that's preventing me from curling up in bed and wrapping myself in my duvet.

The thing that's making me want to get shit-faced drunk is the thing that's not allowing me to get shit-faced drunk.

Maybe, like that Alanis Morissette song, none of this is actually irony.  Maybe it's just bad luck, but it's oh so tiresome.  The most frustrating thing about a halo is I can't escape it.  My troubles are screwed into my head.  This thing infiltrates my mind when I sleep and doesn't even let me dream halo-free.

I'm pleased to have almost reached the half way mark but this has been the longest 6 weeks of my life and now I have to do it all over again.

This isn't the most upbeat of posts and I know I will get through this but I've kind of plateaued for now and can't get past "ok".

I'm anxious about my appointment on Friday.  I'm worried they will tell me I'm not healing and I need to be in this longer.  I'm worried my pins have come loose and they need to move one again or there is an infection brewing.

I know all of these feelings are natural and I'm permitting myself a few off days.  This will all be a memory soon.  Right now, it just doesn't seem like soon enough.

7/03/2017 - Trapped, with Time

Can't do this, shouldn't do that
Sitting around as time gets fat
Days grow, weeks seem to swell
The real pain lies where patience dwells

The sentence sounds short, the chore looms huge
Monotony and boredom are poor refuge
Will soon catch the quarter, the half still laughs
Dividing won't shorten the length of the path

Bones healing as muscles die
Head caged whilst mind tries to fly
Onward, time travels as I am still
Weakened movement, occasional will

02/03/2017 - First World Problems

2 weeks down.  It's been tough so far but a positive attitude helps (so clichéd, but true).  If I took my freedom and options for granted before I will certainly appreciate them now they have been limited.  I reckon we humans have a bee in our bonnets when it comes to achievement.  It's hard not doing much and feeling like I'm just filling time.  I've come to realise, however, that I am achieving.  I'm getting out of bed in the morning, smiling and getting on with my days.  It's no small achievement as it's difficult to adjust, accept and remain social and positive.  This is not to say that I'm not bored and envious of people doing things that I can't, but I'm recognising this, dealing with it and moving on.  I'm trying not to dwell on the time I have left in this thing, focusing on it all being over at some point.  Paralysis would have meant dealing with a lot worse for the rest of my life.

I'm in two minds about attending Golden Plains music festival.  I can go and lament that it won't be the experience I was so looking forward to.  I can go and be jealous and resentful of the other punters, care-free, loving life, being able to look fabulous and dancing the night away.  If that's the case, I'd be best not going.  I'd feel bitter and self conscious.  OR, I can find the strength to go and be truly grateful that I'm there at all.  I can accept my limitations and just enjoy being there.  I can make the most of spending time with friends and seeing awesome music.  First world problems...

P.S. My hair is GROSS!  As I can't get the lambswool lining of the halo vest wet, I am permitted a full shower every two weeks at the orthotics department before they change the linings.  Otherwise I sponge bathe.  Sucks, right?  Grease and dandruff be gone tomorrow, YAY!  I am also getting the pins re-tensioned, I hope this isn't too painful.  Keeping my mind on clean hair, getting to see C and catching up with friends tomorrow night.  Life could be worse.