20/06/2017 - It's been a while

I have been meaning to update this sooner but time is really getting away now I'm HALO free.  I re-read all my posts and it's weird to think I am now at the point where the HALO is a memory.  Life has just about returned to normal.

My last appointment at the Alfred was 12th May when I was told I could start weaning myself out of the hard collar.  It's great not having to go back there every couple of weeks.  I haven't quite got full movement back but enough to not really notice, being able to drive again is brilliant.  There is occasional stiffness and pain but nothing unbearable.  I am moving into a new house next week and starting the job I was originally offered before breaking my neck.

I've been contemplating if my experience in the HALO has changed me.  I think the short answer is not much but I certainly look at things in a different way and with more appreciation now.  I resist trying to control things so much and feel less guilty just going with the flow.  I guess I am less worried about things going wrong.   It hasn't all been rainbows and butterflies, however, life after a traumatic experience brings a few challenges.  Adjusting to the HALO was tough, then sooner than I expected, I had to adjust back to regular life. There was a presence of depression in the HALO which is hard to shake after the high of having it removed.  Perhaps this was just my experience.  When things seem tough, however, I now have a great benchmark of how hard things can be.  It helps to remind myself that it could have been a whole lot tougher, too.

I think I have become a better listener, too.  I found that people opened up to me when I was in the HALO as I was a captive audience.  I am not as hasty to offer my opinion.  In turn, I am really loving having other things to converse with other than a cage on my head.

On a small note,  I had my hair done and she didn't do a great job.  Pre HALO, there may have been a bit of a tantrum over this.  Although I'm loving being able to wear what I like and do things with my hair, I feel less insecure with my appearance as I did before breaking my neck.  I still make an effort but I am less concerned with it now.  The scars are still fairly visible and I am still using Bio-Oil.  Sometimes they bother me but most of the time they don't.

This may be my last post for a while.  I hope that I have helped at least one person by sharing my experience.

21/04/2017 - Are we nearly there yet?

I'm over it.  Let's face it, I was over it the minute it got fitted but now, stick a fork in me, I'm done.

If I could sum up the Halo experience in one word, the word would be 'boring'.  Not just boring as in not much to do but boring as in there hasn't been much else going on in my life besides the halo.  I'm bored of talking about it, I'm bored of adjusting everything I do to suit it, I'm bored of being uncomfortable, I'm over missing out on things and I'm really over not being able to have a fucking shower. I'm acutely aware of the time that has passed whilst I've been in this and listen with envy to people talking about work and their goings on and their plans.  I can't contribute much to these conversations as I've not done much except learn to live in a halo.

I know, I know, I only have three weeks left.  21 days, that's nothing really.  Current attitude equates to that being a really long three weeks so I have to toughen up.

Speaking of tough, I had a waste-of-time day at the Alfred this week.   The hospital provide halo patients with a handy 'how to live life in a halo' booklet that has a massive scary red box that shouts:

"IF YOU NOTICE ANY OF THESE SYMPTOMS AT YOUR PIN SITES PLEASE CONTACT YOUR ORTHOTIST IMMEDIATELY"

I was aware of an occasional sharp pain in my back left pin over the weekend and when we were cleaning it we noticed it was red and there was a fair bit more crust than usual.  Gross, sorry, but this is 3 of the symptoms they ask patients to look out for.  I woke up on Wednesday morning with throbbing pain that brought me to tears and made me feel sick.  I called them and they asked me to come in so C took the day off work and drove me 2 hours to the hospital.  They checked tensions, poked and prodded, tightened slightly (OOOOOUUUUUUUCCCHHHH!) then sent me for a CT.  This took all day.  In the end they told me they had "good news and bad news".  The pin hasn't moved and the scans look normal, there's no sign of infection but they don't know what's causing the pain.  "Come back if it gets worse". WHAT?  I may as well have stayed in bed with painkillers, that would have been more fun.  Anyways, there is still some pain but it has calmed down so at least that's a positive.

On another positive, completely different note I did something this week that I have never done before and I wrote a song.  It's a thank you to C and I'm going to be brave and play it at the next jam.  It's kinda sweet and I'm proud of it.

So, sorry about the rant, I'm just sick of being the girl in the halo and can't wait to just be me again.  Only three weeks to go, I'm getting restless.  I'm like a child waiting for Christmas.

14/04/2017 - Getting there...

The end is in sight and it's exciting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  4 weeks seems so do-able, it's a relief to reach that mind set.  I don't feel like there is much to report on this week because everything has been fairly 'normal' despite the Halo.

My appointment was on Wednesday, instead of today, because of the Easter public holiday.  The Halo is still behaving itself and everything is on track for removal.  C and I went to the movies afterwards then stayed at a friends house where we caught up and had a few beers.  I met some friends for lunch yesterday then had a few beers with my cousin last night.

I'm staying in Melbourne with my cousin this weekend and it's therapeutic to have a change of scenery.  I'm looking forward to going back to the caravan next week and staying with C, then we have a wedding to attend on the 22nd.  I've found a decent outfit to wear, it's not what I would normally choose, but it's practical and i'll just need to rock it with some red lippy and a headscarf to cover the greys!

It's fun to be out and about and catching up with people.  It helps me focus on what I can still do in this thing, as opposed to lamenting what I can't.  I'm gutted I'm missing Boogie festival but there will be plenty of partying to be done when I'm out of this to make up for it.  All in all everything is ticking along nicely. I still can't wait to have this removed but I can put up with it for the duration and fantasise about hugs, showers and a funky new haircut until then.

15/03/2017 - A good week

The last week has flown by and was great!  I had such a good time at Golden Plains.  I hired a mobility scooter which made getting around the site amongst the crowds really easy and added to the fun.  The halo (although beautifully decorated with flowers and glo sticks) was it's usual uncomfortable, annoying self but I embraced it as a different experience and it didn't hinder me too much.  Beer and Espresso Martinis helped:

I had lots of shout outs from the punters:

"You're amazing, you look beautiful"

"Good on you for making it here with that on your head"

"Woah, is that screwed into your skull, that's awesome" (glad someone thinks so)

And my favourite:

"I thought I was doing well bringing my two kids here but you're on a whole new level"

It made me feel really proud of myself and less self conscious.  A good music festival really brings out the best in people.  I got to hang out with my cousin all weekend and he was a total champ.  He let me be me and didn't baby me once.  And the staff, 'The Meredith Family', what can I say?  Such a beautiful bunch of friends to have.  I'm privileged to be a part of it.

02/03/2017 - First World Problems

2 weeks down.  It's been tough so far but a positive attitude helps (so clichéd, but true).  If I took my freedom and options for granted before I will certainly appreciate them now they have been limited.  I reckon we humans have a bee in our bonnets when it comes to achievement.  It's hard not doing much and feeling like I'm just filling time.  I've come to realise, however, that I am achieving.  I'm getting out of bed in the morning, smiling and getting on with my days.  It's no small achievement as it's difficult to adjust, accept and remain social and positive.  This is not to say that I'm not bored and envious of people doing things that I can't, but I'm recognising this, dealing with it and moving on.  I'm trying not to dwell on the time I have left in this thing, focusing on it all being over at some point.  Paralysis would have meant dealing with a lot worse for the rest of my life.

I'm in two minds about attending Golden Plains music festival.  I can go and lament that it won't be the experience I was so looking forward to.  I can go and be jealous and resentful of the other punters, care-free, loving life, being able to look fabulous and dancing the night away.  If that's the case, I'd be best not going.  I'd feel bitter and self conscious.  OR, I can find the strength to go and be truly grateful that I'm there at all.  I can accept my limitations and just enjoy being there.  I can make the most of spending time with friends and seeing awesome music.  First world problems...

P.S. My hair is GROSS!  As I can't get the lambswool lining of the halo vest wet, I am permitted a full shower every two weeks at the orthotics department before they change the linings.  Otherwise I sponge bathe.  Sucks, right?  Grease and dandruff be gone tomorrow, YAY!  I am also getting the pins re-tensioned, I hope this isn't too painful.  Keeping my mind on clean hair, getting to see C and catching up with friends tomorrow night.  Life could be worse.