30/04/2017 - Happy Days!

IT'S OFF!!  2 WEEKS EARLY AND I FEEL FRRRRREEEEEEEEE!  Here's what happened:

The day before my routine tightening and shower appointment  (27/04) there was a message on my phone from my orthotist asking me to go to the fracture clinic before the appointment.  I freaked out a bit, given the day I had last Wednesday, I was worried they had found something more serious upon further inspection of the CT scan.  I called the fracture clinic, told them I was anxious and the doc said "it's nothing to worry about, they just want to decide whether the HALO can come off or if you need another re-adjustment". "Come off?  It might come off?".  I tried not to get my hopes up but needless to say, I didn't sleep so well on Thursday night. It turned out that was my last night sleeping in the HALO.  WOO HOO!

Last week's visit to the Alfred wasn't a complete waste of time as the doctor had since looked at the CT and decided I was healed enough for removal, as opposed to risking more problems with the pin sites. Yay! The removal wasn't as bad as I was expecting.  I had watched youtube videos of HALOs being removed and was expecting a bit of pain.  The feeling was more of intense pressure rather than pain, but it doesn't take long.  It's not a pleasant feeling but I had been through worse and it was nowhere near as bad as having it fitted.  I felt a little light headed at first and every tiny movement in my neck felt amplified but it wasn't as weird as I expected.  It was lovely to get the vest removed and feel the air on my back.  I now have to wear a Miami J collar for the next 4 weeks, which is a bit of a bummer but I can tolerate anything after the HALO!

The first thing I did was hug C and it felt amaaaaaaaazing!  Then, I spent the whole day with a massive grin on my face (see above) thinking "I couldn't do that with the halo on" (hug, get in and out of a car without contorting, sit in a comfortable position, put a T-Shirt over my head, scratch my head, scratch my back, brush my hair, wear a beanie, did I mention hug?)  It was like little pieces of joy being dispensed to me all throughout the day.  I put my head against the pillows that night, pulled the duvet right over my shoulders and it felt divine.  C cuddled into my back and I was in heaven!  I haven't had the full hair-wash-shower yet (I've been advised to wait until the pin holes are fully sealed) but tonight's the night and I can't wait.  

For the next 4 weeks, I'm only allowed to remove the collar when I change the linings (every 2-3 days or after I wash my hair) but so far it's a piece of cake compared to the HALO.  I have to be cautious as the fracture is still somewhat unstable and I'm more vulnerable in the collar.  My shoulders and neck feel a bit stiff and the pin sites are itchy but that's minor niggles.  IT'S OFF!  Most of my non-halo clothes are at the festival site so I'm still wearing wide necked tops and this morning I stepped into one and laughed as I pulled it up, forgetting it could have gone over my head.  Sometimes, it's the little things we barely consider in life that we take for granted.

21/04/2017 - Are we nearly there yet?

I'm over it.  Let's face it, I was over it the minute it got fitted but now, stick a fork in me, I'm done.

If I could sum up the Halo experience in one word, the word would be 'boring'.  Not just boring as in not much to do but boring as in there hasn't been much else going on in my life besides the halo.  I'm bored of talking about it, I'm bored of adjusting everything I do to suit it, I'm bored of being uncomfortable, I'm over missing out on things and I'm really over not being able to have a fucking shower. I'm acutely aware of the time that has passed whilst I've been in this and listen with envy to people talking about work and their goings on and their plans.  I can't contribute much to these conversations as I've not done much except learn to live in a halo.

I know, I know, I only have three weeks left.  21 days, that's nothing really.  Current attitude equates to that being a really long three weeks so I have to toughen up.

Speaking of tough, I had a waste-of-time day at the Alfred this week.   The hospital provide halo patients with a handy 'how to live life in a halo' booklet that has a massive scary red box that shouts:

"IF YOU NOTICE ANY OF THESE SYMPTOMS AT YOUR PIN SITES PLEASE CONTACT YOUR ORTHOTIST IMMEDIATELY"

I was aware of an occasional sharp pain in my back left pin over the weekend and when we were cleaning it we noticed it was red and there was a fair bit more crust than usual.  Gross, sorry, but this is 3 of the symptoms they ask patients to look out for.  I woke up on Wednesday morning with throbbing pain that brought me to tears and made me feel sick.  I called them and they asked me to come in so C took the day off work and drove me 2 hours to the hospital.  They checked tensions, poked and prodded, tightened slightly (OOOOOUUUUUUUCCCHHHH!) then sent me for a CT.  This took all day.  In the end they told me they had "good news and bad news".  The pin hasn't moved and the scans look normal, there's no sign of infection but they don't know what's causing the pain.  "Come back if it gets worse". WHAT?  I may as well have stayed in bed with painkillers, that would have been more fun.  Anyways, there is still some pain but it has calmed down so at least that's a positive.

On another positive, completely different note I did something this week that I have never done before and I wrote a song.  It's a thank you to C and I'm going to be brave and play it at the next jam.  It's kinda sweet and I'm proud of it.

So, sorry about the rant, I'm just sick of being the girl in the halo and can't wait to just be me again.  Only three weeks to go, I'm getting restless.  I'm like a child waiting for Christmas.

22/03/2017 - Ups and downs

This week wasn't so good.  On Friday I went for my routine appointment, shampoo at the ready, only to be told the back right pin had completely lost tension.  They could basically twist it round with their fingers which felt really bizarre.  A CT scan and a few hours later, they determined it would need to be taken out and a new pin would need to be put in beside it.  Oh, and no shower.  Great.

Re-positioning the pin was about 50% as bad as having the Halo fitted and, trust me, that's bad enough.  C was allowed to be there this time which was a comfort.  It can't be pleasant watching a pin get pushed into someone's head, he was great.  The cause of the loosening is unknown and the front left was also very loose and now has to be monitored closely.  At least there is no sign of infection for now.

Friday night was awful.  I felt so low, over it all and in pain.  I took an Endone to help me sleep then woke up on Saturday morning and had a melt down.  I believe it was the Endone, I felt exactly how I felt in the first few hospital days.  I couldn't stop sobbing and couldn't control my breath which felt horrible as it was putting strain on the two pins screwed into my forehead.  I didn't want to leave the room.  C calmed me down, I had a good wash and felt a bit better.  His sister later performed an emotional healing on me and I released A LOT.  She could feel that my body hadn't fully processed or let go of  all the trauma and shock from the accident.  It made complete sense and I have been much calmer since.  We ended up having a lovely impromptu night with C's family at his sister's house which lifted my spirits.

So, it was back to The Alfred on Monday to have the pins re-tensioned again.  This time I was allowed a shower which made the trip worthwhile.  All being well, I can see the half way line now which I feel will be a huge milestone.  Onwards and upwards.

17/02/2017 - The first few days are the worst...

"Just keep thinking, you're lucky you're not paralysed."  It's 1:03am and I'm currently trying to sleep with a metal frame that's shoved into four places in my skull and enveloping my head and most of my torso.  I don't feel lucky.  I feel exhausted.  I feel angry.  I feel stupid.

I could've dived into the deep part of the pool.

Things I love:

• Sleep - being so comfortable in bed I feel like I'm wrapped in a marshmallow.  Spooning is an added bonus
• Hot showers and having clean fresh hair
• Good, active sex
• Hugs

Thing I won't be getting for 12 WEEKS:

• See above
• Full independence and freedom

One stupid mistake has robbed me of three months of my life.  It doesn't sound like long in the scheme of things. "It will go by in a jiffy".  84 days of discomfort.  At least 2 music festivals I could't wait for and can now no longer attend.  Social events that will be out of the question.  A new job that I've had to pass up.  No driving.  A wedding I'm reluctant to go to.  Burdening myself on other people as I don't have a home yet.  It's a small price to pay considering the alternative but it's a pretty big price to pay for being a fucking idiot.  For a 2 second decision.  

I could've dived into the deep part of the pool.

"You wear it well".  Thanks, but no one looks good in these things.  My face is squashed against my neck giving me a double chin.  I can't wear normal clothes or wash my hair let alone do anything decent with it.  Just wait until I have 2 month old, grey, greasy regrowth and huge bags under my eyes and tell me I look ok.  Thanks, but I may punch you.  I feel like a freak show.

"You are lucky to have such great support".  I am incredibly lucky and grateful for this.  I have the most caring, kindhearted partner I could ask for.  He's not lucky.  He has put everything important to him aside to look after me.  My parents aren't lucky.  They are worried sick in India, unable to visit as I have nowhere to put them up.  C's parents are settling into their new home whilst juggling their own lives and appointments, their grandkids, a pregnant daughter and have a trip to plan.  Now they have me to contend with.  All because of my stupidity.

I could've dived into the deep part of the pool.  I didn't.  I dived into the shallow and narrowly avoided a major head trauma.  I broke my neck and was very close to becoming a quadraplegic.  I have to wear this Halo for 12 weeks.  I have to accept it.  Right now I feel trapped in a temporary nightmare that I don't want to experience.  It's the most daunting thing I've ever had to face.  One day at a time.  First challenge is getting some sleep.

A bit of background...

There I was, happily living in my partner's caravan on a music festival site, life was going great.  I was due to start a new job and was searching for a house nearby.

On 11th February 2017, my 34th birthday, I dived into a swimming pool, hit my head and broke my neck.  I didn't realise what I had done at first.  Continuing to party that night, I drove myself to the doctors two days later with intense pain across my upper back and shoulders and unable to fully move my neck (great story for the grandkids).  I later found out that if I had moved my neck too far in the wrong direction or sneezed too hard I could have severed my spinal chord and paralysed myself. Eek.

It escalated quickly from there.  Having been referred for X-rays at Geelong Hospital, I drove there, parked in a 3 hour parking zone, fully expecting to be sent home with a neck brace and some painkillers.  The severity began to sink in when the nurse came back with my results and said "now, I don't want to panic you...", which is the worst thing to say to someone you don't want to panic, "...but you have damaged your neck.  We need to take spinal precautions and you have to go straight to emergency."

I called my partner, asking him to come to the hospital and bring someone to pick up his car as I "probably couldn't drive".  About 10 minutes before he arrived I was informed I had fractured my C5 vertebrae in 3 places and was being transferred to the trauma ward at The Alfred Hospital in Melbourne.  I was also told I was very lucky to be able to move my arms and legs.  Shit.

C arrived and I lay on my back staring at a ceiling for what seemed like forever (I have never wanted a ciggie and beer so much in my life) until I was vac-packed into a stretcher.  The paramedic asked if I had ever been in an ambulance before. Telling her I have never even broken a bone, she joked "Well, you picked a bloody good one to start with!"

What followed consisted of the usual hospital stuff; strong painkillers, concerned visitors, needles, X-rays, CT and CAT scans, being woken up at 7am to be bombarded with a heap of confusing information about my condition and options. Options.  My fantastic prospects were either having neck surgery to fuse three of my vertebrae together or wearing a halo brace for the next 12 weeks, allowing my neck to heal naturally.  I'm making this sound light-hearted.  It was awful.  My original thought was surgery.  Get it over with, I do NOT want to wear one of those things for 3 months.  Lots of discussions with professionals and loved ones convinced me otherwise.  The halo was my best option.  C was by my side for most of this and I have never been more grateful for someone's unconditional support and strength.  He was basically my PA for a week, handling a multitude of phone calls, asking the questions I was too overwhelmed to think about, fetching everything I needed, driving here, there and everywhere and holding my hand through the tough stuff.

I had the halo fitted on 16th February.  The fitting was one of the most unpleasant things I have ever experienced (and apparently I have a high tolerance to pain).  Unlike other blogs I have read, there was no morphine, only local anaesthetic.  There is immense pressure when the pins are screwed and I could hear every click and turn.  I probably made it worse as my mind was completely rejecting the though of having to wear the Halo so it really freaked me out.  The docs said "I did really well",  I felt like I was a total wuss.

Reading other people's experience has really helped me through this ordeal, and writing this has been a form of therapy.  This is a blatantly honest account and, although I may joke, I have not sugar coated the experience.  If you are in / going to be in a halo, I hope that I can shed some light on what to expect, although everyone is different.  This is merely my humble advice:

• It DOES get easier.  You are probably sick of hearing this but it's true.
• Don't let people tell you how to behave or what you can and can't do, although listen to advice and be cautious with your actions.  You don't want to be in a halo any longer than you need to be.
• Being in a Halo can be really boring. Don't feel you have to fill your time with anything productive.  By all means, read War and Peace and learn 3 languages if that's your thang but if you want to binge watch the pits of TV in your jammies for 3 months you have every right.  Healing is your job for now. 
• You will be asked the same questions over and over and over and over...("I sleep ok, on my side with the corner of a pillow under my cheek so I feel less like I'm floating"). Be patient.  People are curious and interested which is better than being ignorant and dismissive.
• With a bit of luck you will learn to appreciate your family and friends in a way you never thought possible.  Allow them to help you and vow to yourself to repay them in any way you can, when you are able.
• Recognise your mind and body have been through a traumatic experience.  A positive attitude helps, but allow yourself the tears, tantrums and frustrated rants.  Then get over it, and move on.
• 12 weeks is a long time but the Halo is temporary.  This too shall pass...