17/02/2017 - The first few days are the worst...

"Just keep thinking, you're lucky you're not paralysed."  It's 1:03am and I'm currently trying to sleep with a metal frame that's shoved into four places in my skull and enveloping my head and most of my torso.  I don't feel lucky.  I feel exhausted.  I feel angry.  I feel stupid.

I could've dived into the deep part of the pool.

Things I love:

• Sleep - being so comfortable in bed I feel like I'm wrapped in a marshmallow.  Spooning is an added bonus
• Hot showers and having clean fresh hair
• Good, active sex
• Hugs

Thing I won't be getting for 12 WEEKS:

• See above
• Full independence and freedom

One stupid mistake has robbed me of three months of my life.  It doesn't sound like long in the scheme of things. "It will go by in a jiffy".  84 days of discomfort.  At least 2 music festivals I could't wait for and can now no longer attend.  Social events that will be out of the question.  A new job that I've had to pass up.  No driving.  A wedding I'm reluctant to go to.  Burdening myself on other people as I don't have a home yet.  It's a small price to pay considering the alternative but it's a pretty big price to pay for being a fucking idiot.  For a 2 second decision.  

I could've dived into the deep part of the pool.

"You wear it well".  Thanks, but no one looks good in these things.  My face is squashed against my neck giving me a double chin.  I can't wear normal clothes or wash my hair let alone do anything decent with it.  Just wait until I have 2 month old, grey, greasy regrowth and huge bags under my eyes and tell me I look ok.  Thanks, but I may punch you.  I feel like a freak show.

"You are lucky to have such great support".  I am incredibly lucky and grateful for this.  I have the most caring, kindhearted partner I could ask for.  He's not lucky.  He has put everything important to him aside to look after me.  My parents aren't lucky.  They are worried sick in India, unable to visit as I have nowhere to put them up.  C's parents are settling into their new home whilst juggling their own lives and appointments, their grandkids, a pregnant daughter and have a trip to plan.  Now they have me to contend with.  All because of my stupidity.

I could've dived into the deep part of the pool.  I didn't.  I dived into the shallow and narrowly avoided a major head trauma.  I broke my neck and was very close to becoming a quadraplegic.  I have to wear this Halo for 12 weeks.  I have to accept it.  Right now I feel trapped in a temporary nightmare that I don't want to experience.  It's the most daunting thing I've ever had to face.  One day at a time.  First challenge is getting some sleep.