20/06/2017 - It's been a while

I have been meaning to update this sooner but time is really getting away now I'm HALO free.  I re-read all my posts and it's weird to think I am now at the point where the HALO is a memory.  Life has just about returned to normal.

My last appointment at the Alfred was 12th May when I was told I could start weaning myself out of the hard collar.  It's great not having to go back there every couple of weeks.  I haven't quite got full movement back but enough to not really notice, being able to drive again is brilliant.  There is occasional stiffness and pain but nothing unbearable.  I am moving into a new house next week and starting the job I was originally offered before breaking my neck.

I've been contemplating if my experience in the HALO has changed me.  I think the short answer is not much but I certainly look at things in a different way and with more appreciation now.  I resist trying to control things so much and feel less guilty just going with the flow.  I guess I am less worried about things going wrong.   It hasn't all been rainbows and butterflies, however, life after a traumatic experience brings a few challenges.  Adjusting to the HALO was tough, then sooner than I expected, I had to adjust back to regular life. There was a presence of depression in the HALO which is hard to shake after the high of having it removed.  Perhaps this was just my experience.  When things seem tough, however, I now have a great benchmark of how hard things can be.  It helps to remind myself that it could have been a whole lot tougher, too.

I think I have become a better listener, too.  I found that people opened up to me when I was in the HALO as I was a captive audience.  I am not as hasty to offer my opinion.  In turn, I am really loving having other things to converse with other than a cage on my head.

On a small note,  I had my hair done and she didn't do a great job.  Pre HALO, there may have been a bit of a tantrum over this.  Although I'm loving being able to wear what I like and do things with my hair, I feel less insecure with my appearance as I did before breaking my neck.  I still make an effort but I am less concerned with it now.  The scars are still fairly visible and I am still using Bio-Oil.  Sometimes they bother me but most of the time they don't.

This may be my last post for a while.  I hope that I have helped at least one person by sharing my experience.

21/04/2017 - Are we nearly there yet?

I'm over it.  Let's face it, I was over it the minute it got fitted but now, stick a fork in me, I'm done.

If I could sum up the Halo experience in one word, the word would be 'boring'.  Not just boring as in not much to do but boring as in there hasn't been much else going on in my life besides the halo.  I'm bored of talking about it, I'm bored of adjusting everything I do to suit it, I'm bored of being uncomfortable, I'm over missing out on things and I'm really over not being able to have a fucking shower. I'm acutely aware of the time that has passed whilst I've been in this and listen with envy to people talking about work and their goings on and their plans.  I can't contribute much to these conversations as I've not done much except learn to live in a halo.

I know, I know, I only have three weeks left.  21 days, that's nothing really.  Current attitude equates to that being a really long three weeks so I have to toughen up.

Speaking of tough, I had a waste-of-time day at the Alfred this week.   The hospital provide halo patients with a handy 'how to live life in a halo' booklet that has a massive scary red box that shouts:

"IF YOU NOTICE ANY OF THESE SYMPTOMS AT YOUR PIN SITES PLEASE CONTACT YOUR ORTHOTIST IMMEDIATELY"

I was aware of an occasional sharp pain in my back left pin over the weekend and when we were cleaning it we noticed it was red and there was a fair bit more crust than usual.  Gross, sorry, but this is 3 of the symptoms they ask patients to look out for.  I woke up on Wednesday morning with throbbing pain that brought me to tears and made me feel sick.  I called them and they asked me to come in so C took the day off work and drove me 2 hours to the hospital.  They checked tensions, poked and prodded, tightened slightly (OOOOOUUUUUUUCCCHHHH!) then sent me for a CT.  This took all day.  In the end they told me they had "good news and bad news".  The pin hasn't moved and the scans look normal, there's no sign of infection but they don't know what's causing the pain.  "Come back if it gets worse". WHAT?  I may as well have stayed in bed with painkillers, that would have been more fun.  Anyways, there is still some pain but it has calmed down so at least that's a positive.

On another positive, completely different note I did something this week that I have never done before and I wrote a song.  It's a thank you to C and I'm going to be brave and play it at the next jam.  It's kinda sweet and I'm proud of it.

So, sorry about the rant, I'm just sick of being the girl in the halo and can't wait to just be me again.  Only three weeks to go, I'm getting restless.  I'm like a child waiting for Christmas.

29/03/2017 - Oh, The Irony...

A few days ago I was so hot in my lambswool lined vest, all I wanted to do was dive in a pool.  No joke.

The thing that's making me need a big, long, comforting hug is the thing that's getting in the way of a big, long, comforting hug.

The thing that's making me want to curl up in bed and wrap myself in my duvet is the thing that's preventing me from curling up in bed and wrapping myself in my duvet.

The thing that's making me want to get shit-faced drunk is the thing that's not allowing me to get shit-faced drunk.

Maybe, like that Alanis Morissette song, none of this is actually irony.  Maybe it's just bad luck, but it's oh so tiresome.  The most frustrating thing about a halo is I can't escape it.  My troubles are screwed into my head.  This thing infiltrates my mind when I sleep and doesn't even let me dream halo-free.

I'm pleased to have almost reached the half way mark but this has been the longest 6 weeks of my life and now I have to do it all over again.

This isn't the most upbeat of posts and I know I will get through this but I've kind of plateaued for now and can't get past "ok".

I'm anxious about my appointment on Friday.  I'm worried they will tell me I'm not healing and I need to be in this longer.  I'm worried my pins have come loose and they need to move one again or there is an infection brewing.

I know all of these feelings are natural and I'm permitting myself a few off days.  This will all be a memory soon.  Right now, it just doesn't seem like soon enough.

22/03/2017 - Ups and downs

This week wasn't so good.  On Friday I went for my routine appointment, shampoo at the ready, only to be told the back right pin had completely lost tension.  They could basically twist it round with their fingers which felt really bizarre.  A CT scan and a few hours later, they determined it would need to be taken out and a new pin would need to be put in beside it.  Oh, and no shower.  Great.

Re-positioning the pin was about 50% as bad as having the Halo fitted and, trust me, that's bad enough.  C was allowed to be there this time which was a comfort.  It can't be pleasant watching a pin get pushed into someone's head, he was great.  The cause of the loosening is unknown and the front left was also very loose and now has to be monitored closely.  At least there is no sign of infection for now.

Friday night was awful.  I felt so low, over it all and in pain.  I took an Endone to help me sleep then woke up on Saturday morning and had a melt down.  I believe it was the Endone, I felt exactly how I felt in the first few hospital days.  I couldn't stop sobbing and couldn't control my breath which felt horrible as it was putting strain on the two pins screwed into my forehead.  I didn't want to leave the room.  C calmed me down, I had a good wash and felt a bit better.  His sister later performed an emotional healing on me and I released A LOT.  She could feel that my body hadn't fully processed or let go of  all the trauma and shock from the accident.  It made complete sense and I have been much calmer since.  We ended up having a lovely impromptu night with C's family at his sister's house which lifted my spirits.

So, it was back to The Alfred on Monday to have the pins re-tensioned again.  This time I was allowed a shower which made the trip worthwhile.  All being well, I can see the half way line now which I feel will be a huge milestone.  Onwards and upwards.

23/02/2017 - Adjusting

One week down.  I got over feeling sorry for myself a few days ago.  It's not easy but it definitely gets easier.  The first few days consisted of waking up and sobbing at the injustice of it all, angry that it wasn't a nightmare and the bloody thing was still attached to me.

"Stay positive!" they say.  Bullshit.  Granted, I would do myself no favours moping around in my own pity party but it's been important to let myself feel what I'm feeling and to release the negative thoughts.  Since the pain and tension have eased off my head has been in a much better space (considering its's trapped in a cage!).

Too much time to think is making me very philosophical.  What is the universe trying to tell me?  How can I make the most of this situation.  Is it acceptable to sit around watching crap TV for 3 months or should I be doing something more meaningful?  It's early days, time will tell.

The Challenges So Far

Letting people look after me:  I'm not very good at this in general.  I'm realising that when people want to help it does them a dis-service to resist.  Be humble, accepting and grateful.  It's best for everyone involved.

Clothes:  There has been a fair bit of tears, trial and error.  Everything looks weird.  Elasticated off the shoulder tops, hoodies and making my bottom half look slim seems to be the go.  I've given up a certain degree of vanity but it's important to me to take pride in my appearance if I'm out and about.  Although no-one is looking at my outfit, I still want to look as good as I can.  Work in progress.

Sex:  Relatives can feel free to stop reading now but there isn't much written about this and I think it's important to address.  It's permitted with caution but I'm still not sure how I feel about it.  I'm very sexually attracted to my partner and we have great sex.  It's frustrating to lie beside him and not be able to feel his arms around me, his chest on mine.  Kissing is clunky and he can only cuddle my belly.  I've never felt so unattractive, Halo's aren't exactly a turn on (although I've stumbled across a few fetish sites but that's a whole other story!).  I don't know if abstinence is the answer but had this accident been as bad as it could have then this would've been a whole new ball game.  I'm lucky I can return to a regular (awesome) sex life when this is over.  He better watch out!