20/06/2017 - It's been a while

I have been meaning to update this sooner but time is really getting away now I'm HALO free.  I re-read all my posts and it's weird to think I am now at the point where the HALO is a memory.  Life has just about returned to normal.

My last appointment at the Alfred was 12th May when I was told I could start weaning myself out of the hard collar.  It's great not having to go back there every couple of weeks.  I haven't quite got full movement back but enough to not really notice, being able to drive again is brilliant.  There is occasional stiffness and pain but nothing unbearable.  I am moving into a new house next week and starting the job I was originally offered before breaking my neck.

I've been contemplating if my experience in the HALO has changed me.  I think the short answer is not much but I certainly look at things in a different way and with more appreciation now.  I resist trying to control things so much and feel less guilty just going with the flow.  I guess I am less worried about things going wrong.   It hasn't all been rainbows and butterflies, however, life after a traumatic experience brings a few challenges.  Adjusting to the HALO was tough, then sooner than I expected, I had to adjust back to regular life. There was a presence of depression in the HALO which is hard to shake after the high of having it removed.  Perhaps this was just my experience.  When things seem tough, however, I now have a great benchmark of how hard things can be.  It helps to remind myself that it could have been a whole lot tougher, too.

I think I have become a better listener, too.  I found that people opened up to me when I was in the HALO as I was a captive audience.  I am not as hasty to offer my opinion.  In turn, I am really loving having other things to converse with other than a cage on my head.

On a small note,  I had my hair done and she didn't do a great job.  Pre HALO, there may have been a bit of a tantrum over this.  Although I'm loving being able to wear what I like and do things with my hair, I feel less insecure with my appearance as I did before breaking my neck.  I still make an effort but I am less concerned with it now.  The scars are still fairly visible and I am still using Bio-Oil.  Sometimes they bother me but most of the time they don't.

This may be my last post for a while.  I hope that I have helped at least one person by sharing my experience.

08/05/2017 - Some normality

It's been over a week since the HALO was removed and I'm still smiling.   I feel like myself again. It's great how simple things are, I hardly even notice I am wearing the Miami J.  Showers are lovely, sleeping is easy, hugging is the best thing ever...I have noticed that I have been more tired than usual, which reminds me it's not quite over yet and my body is still trying to heal. I am not encouraged to move my neck much but there is definitely some movement returning.  It's exciting but I'm not going to push it too far.  My neck and shoulders feel quite stiff when I get up in the morning but this eases as the day goes on.

The pin sights are looking ok, they are a still a bit pink and indented. The front right is more indented and noticeable then the left, there will definitely be a more prominent scar there.  To my own surprise, I'm not as bothered by what the scars will look like as I was when the HALO was first put on.  I guess after what I've been through they will be small badges of honour for enduring 10 weeks with my head in a cage!

Pin sites 10 days after removal

I am still staying with C's folks but looking forward to returning to site next week.  I have an appointment for X-Rays at the Alfred on Friday, which was my original removal date.  I've been thankful for the last week as I can begin thinking about what's next but, in a way, I can still take it easy and not feel pressured to rush back into things.  My activities are still somewhat limited in the collar but I can start looking for a job and a house all over again, this time with a bit more enthusiasm!  

The most frustrating thing about the collar is I still can't go and get my hair done until I stop wearing it full time.  If the HALO has taught me anything, however, it's patience.  Also, I feel I'm less concerned about my appearance now.  I still can't wait for a cut and dye but, hey, now the HALO is gone, I can wear hats again!

30/04/2017 - Happy Days!

IT'S OFF!!  2 WEEKS EARLY AND I FEEL FRRRRREEEEEEEEE!  Here's what happened:

The day before my routine tightening and shower appointment  (27/04) there was a message on my phone from my orthotist asking me to go to the fracture clinic before the appointment.  I freaked out a bit, given the day I had last Wednesday, I was worried they had found something more serious upon further inspection of the CT scan.  I called the fracture clinic, told them I was anxious and the doc said "it's nothing to worry about, they just want to decide whether the HALO can come off or if you need another re-adjustment". "Come off?  It might come off?".  I tried not to get my hopes up but needless to say, I didn't sleep so well on Thursday night. It turned out that was my last night sleeping in the HALO.  WOO HOO!

Last week's visit to the Alfred wasn't a complete waste of time as the doctor had since looked at the CT and decided I was healed enough for removal, as opposed to risking more problems with the pin sites. Yay! The removal wasn't as bad as I was expecting.  I had watched youtube videos of HALOs being removed and was expecting a bit of pain.  The feeling was more of intense pressure rather than pain, but it doesn't take long.  It's not a pleasant feeling but I had been through worse and it was nowhere near as bad as having it fitted.  I felt a little light headed at first and every tiny movement in my neck felt amplified but it wasn't as weird as I expected.  It was lovely to get the vest removed and feel the air on my back.  I now have to wear a Miami J collar for the next 4 weeks, which is a bit of a bummer but I can tolerate anything after the HALO!

The first thing I did was hug C and it felt amaaaaaaaazing!  Then, I spent the whole day with a massive grin on my face (see above) thinking "I couldn't do that with the halo on" (hug, get in and out of a car without contorting, sit in a comfortable position, put a T-Shirt over my head, scratch my head, scratch my back, brush my hair, wear a beanie, did I mention hug?)  It was like little pieces of joy being dispensed to me all throughout the day.  I put my head against the pillows that night, pulled the duvet right over my shoulders and it felt divine.  C cuddled into my back and I was in heaven!  I haven't had the full hair-wash-shower yet (I've been advised to wait until the pin holes are fully sealed) but tonight's the night and I can't wait.  

For the next 4 weeks, I'm only allowed to remove the collar when I change the linings (every 2-3 days or after I wash my hair) but so far it's a piece of cake compared to the HALO.  I have to be cautious as the fracture is still somewhat unstable and I'm more vulnerable in the collar.  My shoulders and neck feel a bit stiff and the pin sites are itchy but that's minor niggles.  IT'S OFF!  Most of my non-halo clothes are at the festival site so I'm still wearing wide necked tops and this morning I stepped into one and laughed as I pulled it up, forgetting it could have gone over my head.  Sometimes, it's the little things we barely consider in life that we take for granted.

21/04/2017 - Are we nearly there yet?

I'm over it.  Let's face it, I was over it the minute it got fitted but now, stick a fork in me, I'm done.

If I could sum up the Halo experience in one word, the word would be 'boring'.  Not just boring as in not much to do but boring as in there hasn't been much else going on in my life besides the halo.  I'm bored of talking about it, I'm bored of adjusting everything I do to suit it, I'm bored of being uncomfortable, I'm over missing out on things and I'm really over not being able to have a fucking shower. I'm acutely aware of the time that has passed whilst I've been in this and listen with envy to people talking about work and their goings on and their plans.  I can't contribute much to these conversations as I've not done much except learn to live in a halo.

I know, I know, I only have three weeks left.  21 days, that's nothing really.  Current attitude equates to that being a really long three weeks so I have to toughen up.

Speaking of tough, I had a waste-of-time day at the Alfred this week.   The hospital provide halo patients with a handy 'how to live life in a halo' booklet that has a massive scary red box that shouts:

"IF YOU NOTICE ANY OF THESE SYMPTOMS AT YOUR PIN SITES PLEASE CONTACT YOUR ORTHOTIST IMMEDIATELY"

I was aware of an occasional sharp pain in my back left pin over the weekend and when we were cleaning it we noticed it was red and there was a fair bit more crust than usual.  Gross, sorry, but this is 3 of the symptoms they ask patients to look out for.  I woke up on Wednesday morning with throbbing pain that brought me to tears and made me feel sick.  I called them and they asked me to come in so C took the day off work and drove me 2 hours to the hospital.  They checked tensions, poked and prodded, tightened slightly (OOOOOUUUUUUUCCCHHHH!) then sent me for a CT.  This took all day.  In the end they told me they had "good news and bad news".  The pin hasn't moved and the scans look normal, there's no sign of infection but they don't know what's causing the pain.  "Come back if it gets worse". WHAT?  I may as well have stayed in bed with painkillers, that would have been more fun.  Anyways, there is still some pain but it has calmed down so at least that's a positive.

On another positive, completely different note I did something this week that I have never done before and I wrote a song.  It's a thank you to C and I'm going to be brave and play it at the next jam.  It's kinda sweet and I'm proud of it.

So, sorry about the rant, I'm just sick of being the girl in the halo and can't wait to just be me again.  Only three weeks to go, I'm getting restless.  I'm like a child waiting for Christmas.

29/03/2017 - Oh, The Irony...

A few days ago I was so hot in my lambswool lined vest, all I wanted to do was dive in a pool.  No joke.

The thing that's making me need a big, long, comforting hug is the thing that's getting in the way of a big, long, comforting hug.

The thing that's making me want to curl up in bed and wrap myself in my duvet is the thing that's preventing me from curling up in bed and wrapping myself in my duvet.

The thing that's making me want to get shit-faced drunk is the thing that's not allowing me to get shit-faced drunk.

Maybe, like that Alanis Morissette song, none of this is actually irony.  Maybe it's just bad luck, but it's oh so tiresome.  The most frustrating thing about a halo is I can't escape it.  My troubles are screwed into my head.  This thing infiltrates my mind when I sleep and doesn't even let me dream halo-free.

I'm pleased to have almost reached the half way mark but this has been the longest 6 weeks of my life and now I have to do it all over again.

This isn't the most upbeat of posts and I know I will get through this but I've kind of plateaued for now and can't get past "ok".

I'm anxious about my appointment on Friday.  I'm worried they will tell me I'm not healing and I need to be in this longer.  I'm worried my pins have come loose and they need to move one again or there is an infection brewing.

I know all of these feelings are natural and I'm permitting myself a few off days.  This will all be a memory soon.  Right now, it just doesn't seem like soon enough.

02/03/2017 - First World Problems

2 weeks down.  It's been tough so far but a positive attitude helps (so clichéd, but true).  If I took my freedom and options for granted before I will certainly appreciate them now they have been limited.  I reckon we humans have a bee in our bonnets when it comes to achievement.  It's hard not doing much and feeling like I'm just filling time.  I've come to realise, however, that I am achieving.  I'm getting out of bed in the morning, smiling and getting on with my days.  It's no small achievement as it's difficult to adjust, accept and remain social and positive.  This is not to say that I'm not bored and envious of people doing things that I can't, but I'm recognising this, dealing with it and moving on.  I'm trying not to dwell on the time I have left in this thing, focusing on it all being over at some point.  Paralysis would have meant dealing with a lot worse for the rest of my life.

I'm in two minds about attending Golden Plains music festival.  I can go and lament that it won't be the experience I was so looking forward to.  I can go and be jealous and resentful of the other punters, care-free, loving life, being able to look fabulous and dancing the night away.  If that's the case, I'd be best not going.  I'd feel bitter and self conscious.  OR, I can find the strength to go and be truly grateful that I'm there at all.  I can accept my limitations and just enjoy being there.  I can make the most of spending time with friends and seeing awesome music.  First world problems...

P.S. My hair is GROSS!  As I can't get the lambswool lining of the halo vest wet, I am permitted a full shower every two weeks at the orthotics department before they change the linings.  Otherwise I sponge bathe.  Sucks, right?  Grease and dandruff be gone tomorrow, YAY!  I am also getting the pins re-tensioned, I hope this isn't too painful.  Keeping my mind on clean hair, getting to see C and catching up with friends tomorrow night.  Life could be worse.