29/03/2017 - Oh, The Irony...

A few days ago I was so hot in my lambswool lined vest, all I wanted to do was dive in a pool.  No joke.

The thing that's making me need a big, long, comforting hug is the thing that's getting in the way of a big, long, comforting hug.

The thing that's making me want to curl up in bed and wrap myself in my duvet is the thing that's preventing me from curling up in bed and wrapping myself in my duvet.

The thing that's making me want to get shit-faced drunk is the thing that's not allowing me to get shit-faced drunk.

Maybe, like that Alanis Morissette song, none of this is actually irony.  Maybe it's just bad luck, but it's oh so tiresome.  The most frustrating thing about a halo is I can't escape it.  My troubles are screwed into my head.  This thing infiltrates my mind when I sleep and doesn't even let me dream halo-free.

I'm pleased to have almost reached the half way mark but this has been the longest 6 weeks of my life and now I have to do it all over again.

This isn't the most upbeat of posts and I know I will get through this but I've kind of plateaued for now and can't get past "ok".

I'm anxious about my appointment on Friday.  I'm worried they will tell me I'm not healing and I need to be in this longer.  I'm worried my pins have come loose and they need to move one again or there is an infection brewing.

I know all of these feelings are natural and I'm permitting myself a few off days.  This will all be a memory soon.  Right now, it just doesn't seem like soon enough.

22/03/2017 - Ups and downs

This week wasn't so good.  On Friday I went for my routine appointment, shampoo at the ready, only to be told the back right pin had completely lost tension.  They could basically twist it round with their fingers which felt really bizarre.  A CT scan and a few hours later, they determined it would need to be taken out and a new pin would need to be put in beside it.  Oh, and no shower.  Great.

Re-positioning the pin was about 50% as bad as having the Halo fitted and, trust me, that's bad enough.  C was allowed to be there this time which was a comfort.  It can't be pleasant watching a pin get pushed into someone's head, he was great.  The cause of the loosening is unknown and the front left was also very loose and now has to be monitored closely.  At least there is no sign of infection for now.

Friday night was awful.  I felt so low, over it all and in pain.  I took an Endone to help me sleep then woke up on Saturday morning and had a melt down.  I believe it was the Endone, I felt exactly how I felt in the first few hospital days.  I couldn't stop sobbing and couldn't control my breath which felt horrible as it was putting strain on the two pins screwed into my forehead.  I didn't want to leave the room.  C calmed me down, I had a good wash and felt a bit better.  His sister later performed an emotional healing on me and I released A LOT.  She could feel that my body hadn't fully processed or let go of  all the trauma and shock from the accident.  It made complete sense and I have been much calmer since.  We ended up having a lovely impromptu night with C's family at his sister's house which lifted my spirits.

So, it was back to The Alfred on Monday to have the pins re-tensioned again.  This time I was allowed a shower which made the trip worthwhile.  All being well, I can see the half way line now which I feel will be a huge milestone.  Onwards and upwards.

15/03/2017 - A good week

The last week has flown by and was great!  I had such a good time at Golden Plains.  I hired a mobility scooter which made getting around the site amongst the crowds really easy and added to the fun.  The halo (although beautifully decorated with flowers and glo sticks) was it's usual uncomfortable, annoying self but I embraced it as a different experience and it didn't hinder me too much.  Beer and Espresso Martinis helped:

I had lots of shout outs from the punters:

"You're amazing, you look beautiful"

"Good on you for making it here with that on your head"

"Woah, is that screwed into your skull, that's awesome" (glad someone thinks so)

And my favourite:

"I thought I was doing well bringing my two kids here but you're on a whole new level"

It made me feel really proud of myself and less self conscious.  A good music festival really brings out the best in people.  I got to hang out with my cousin all weekend and he was a total champ.  He let me be me and didn't baby me once.  And the staff, 'The Meredith Family', what can I say?  Such a beautiful bunch of friends to have.  I'm privileged to be a part of it.

08/03/2017 - Getting on with it

3 weeks, 1 appointment down.  The hair wash was GREAT, C helped and I swear I felt how dogs must feel when you scratch behind their ears:

 The pin re-tensioning didn't hurt and was only mildly uncomfortable.  Result!

On Saturday I went back to the festival site to attend a funeral for a great man whom my partner was close to and I had gotten to know.  It was rough.  I have never seen C cry and it was heartbreaking.  I wanted so much to hold him close and comfort him and I felt guilty that I couldn't.  I also couldn't go to the cemetery as it was baking hot and with the lambswool and metal pins I can't be in fierce, direct sunlight too long.  It was a privilege to be there at all, however, and I can visit him at the cemetery another time.  Luckily there were so many beautiful people there and so much support and love amongst them.  It was the usual mix of emotions but good to be able to grieve and share memories with those that were close to him.  We had a bit of a wake afterwards which made for a lovely, fitting tribute.

I coped fine in the caravan and on site which everyone (except C and I) was worried about.

(Relatives can stop reading alert...) 

We even got a little frisky and decided to give it a go, saying if it was awkward and rubbish we would just laugh and give up.  It was actually lovely.  I'm incredibly appreciative to have such a loving, patient, compassionate partner by my side through this ordeal.  My love and respect for him is immense.  You can go and throw up now...

7/03/2017 - Trapped, with Time

Can't do this, shouldn't do that
Sitting around as time gets fat
Days grow, weeks seem to swell
The real pain lies where patience dwells

The sentence sounds short, the chore looms huge
Monotony and boredom are poor refuge
Will soon catch the quarter, the half still laughs
Dividing won't shorten the length of the path

Bones healing as muscles die
Head caged whilst mind tries to fly
Onward, time travels as I am still
Weakened movement, occasional will

02/03/2017 - First World Problems

2 weeks down.  It's been tough so far but a positive attitude helps (so clichéd, but true).  If I took my freedom and options for granted before I will certainly appreciate them now they have been limited.  I reckon we humans have a bee in our bonnets when it comes to achievement.  It's hard not doing much and feeling like I'm just filling time.  I've come to realise, however, that I am achieving.  I'm getting out of bed in the morning, smiling and getting on with my days.  It's no small achievement as it's difficult to adjust, accept and remain social and positive.  This is not to say that I'm not bored and envious of people doing things that I can't, but I'm recognising this, dealing with it and moving on.  I'm trying not to dwell on the time I have left in this thing, focusing on it all being over at some point.  Paralysis would have meant dealing with a lot worse for the rest of my life.

I'm in two minds about attending Golden Plains music festival.  I can go and lament that it won't be the experience I was so looking forward to.  I can go and be jealous and resentful of the other punters, care-free, loving life, being able to look fabulous and dancing the night away.  If that's the case, I'd be best not going.  I'd feel bitter and self conscious.  OR, I can find the strength to go and be truly grateful that I'm there at all.  I can accept my limitations and just enjoy being there.  I can make the most of spending time with friends and seeing awesome music.  First world problems...

P.S. My hair is GROSS!  As I can't get the lambswool lining of the halo vest wet, I am permitted a full shower every two weeks at the orthotics department before they change the linings.  Otherwise I sponge bathe.  Sucks, right?  Grease and dandruff be gone tomorrow, YAY!  I am also getting the pins re-tensioned, I hope this isn't too painful.  Keeping my mind on clean hair, getting to see C and catching up with friends tomorrow night.  Life could be worse.

23/02/2017 - Adjusting

One week down.  I got over feeling sorry for myself a few days ago.  It's not easy but it definitely gets easier.  The first few days consisted of waking up and sobbing at the injustice of it all, angry that it wasn't a nightmare and the bloody thing was still attached to me.

"Stay positive!" they say.  Bullshit.  Granted, I would do myself no favours moping around in my own pity party but it's been important to let myself feel what I'm feeling and to release the negative thoughts.  Since the pain and tension have eased off my head has been in a much better space (considering its's trapped in a cage!).

Too much time to think is making me very philosophical.  What is the universe trying to tell me?  How can I make the most of this situation.  Is it acceptable to sit around watching crap TV for 3 months or should I be doing something more meaningful?  It's early days, time will tell.

The Challenges So Far

Letting people look after me:  I'm not very good at this in general.  I'm realising that when people want to help it does them a dis-service to resist.  Be humble, accepting and grateful.  It's best for everyone involved.

Clothes:  There has been a fair bit of tears, trial and error.  Everything looks weird.  Elasticated off the shoulder tops, hoodies and making my bottom half look slim seems to be the go.  I've given up a certain degree of vanity but it's important to me to take pride in my appearance if I'm out and about.  Although no-one is looking at my outfit, I still want to look as good as I can.  Work in progress.

Sex:  Relatives can feel free to stop reading now but there isn't much written about this and I think it's important to address.  It's permitted with caution but I'm still not sure how I feel about it.  I'm very sexually attracted to my partner and we have great sex.  It's frustrating to lie beside him and not be able to feel his arms around me, his chest on mine.  Kissing is clunky and he can only cuddle my belly.  I've never felt so unattractive, Halo's aren't exactly a turn on (although I've stumbled across a few fetish sites but that's a whole other story!).  I don't know if abstinence is the answer but had this accident been as bad as it could have then this would've been a whole new ball game.  I'm lucky I can return to a regular (awesome) sex life when this is over.  He better watch out!

17/02/2017 - The first few days are the worst...

"Just keep thinking, you're lucky you're not paralysed."  It's 1:03am and I'm currently trying to sleep with a metal frame that's shoved into four places in my skull and enveloping my head and most of my torso.  I don't feel lucky.  I feel exhausted.  I feel angry.  I feel stupid.

I could've dived into the deep part of the pool.

Things I love:

• Sleep - being so comfortable in bed I feel like I'm wrapped in a marshmallow.  Spooning is an added bonus
• Hot showers and having clean fresh hair
• Good, active sex
• Hugs

Thing I won't be getting for 12 WEEKS:

• See above
• Full independence and freedom

One stupid mistake has robbed me of three months of my life.  It doesn't sound like long in the scheme of things. "It will go by in a jiffy".  84 days of discomfort.  At least 2 music festivals I could't wait for and can now no longer attend.  Social events that will be out of the question.  A new job that I've had to pass up.  No driving.  A wedding I'm reluctant to go to.  Burdening myself on other people as I don't have a home yet.  It's a small price to pay considering the alternative but it's a pretty big price to pay for being a fucking idiot.  For a 2 second decision.  

I could've dived into the deep part of the pool.

"You wear it well".  Thanks, but no one looks good in these things.  My face is squashed against my neck giving me a double chin.  I can't wear normal clothes or wash my hair let alone do anything decent with it.  Just wait until I have 2 month old, grey, greasy regrowth and huge bags under my eyes and tell me I look ok.  Thanks, but I may punch you.  I feel like a freak show.

"You are lucky to have such great support".  I am incredibly lucky and grateful for this.  I have the most caring, kindhearted partner I could ask for.  He's not lucky.  He has put everything important to him aside to look after me.  My parents aren't lucky.  They are worried sick in India, unable to visit as I have nowhere to put them up.  C's parents are settling into their new home whilst juggling their own lives and appointments, their grandkids, a pregnant daughter and have a trip to plan.  Now they have me to contend with.  All because of my stupidity.

I could've dived into the deep part of the pool.  I didn't.  I dived into the shallow and narrowly avoided a major head trauma.  I broke my neck and was very close to becoming a quadraplegic.  I have to wear this Halo for 12 weeks.  I have to accept it.  Right now I feel trapped in a temporary nightmare that I don't want to experience.  It's the most daunting thing I've ever had to face.  One day at a time.  First challenge is getting some sleep.

A bit of background...

There I was, happily living in my partner's caravan on a music festival site, life was going great.  I was due to start a new job and was searching for a house nearby.

On 11th February 2017, my 34th birthday, I dived into a swimming pool, hit my head and broke my neck.  I didn't realise what I had done at first.  Continuing to party that night, I drove myself to the doctors two days later with intense pain across my upper back and shoulders and unable to fully move my neck (great story for the grandkids).  I later found out that if I had moved my neck too far in the wrong direction or sneezed too hard I could have severed my spinal chord and paralysed myself. Eek.

It escalated quickly from there.  Having been referred for X-rays at Geelong Hospital, I drove there, parked in a 3 hour parking zone, fully expecting to be sent home with a neck brace and some painkillers.  The severity began to sink in when the nurse came back with my results and said "now, I don't want to panic you...", which is the worst thing to say to someone you don't want to panic, "...but you have damaged your neck.  We need to take spinal precautions and you have to go straight to emergency."

I called my partner, asking him to come to the hospital and bring someone to pick up his car as I "probably couldn't drive".  About 10 minutes before he arrived I was informed I had fractured my C5 vertebrae in 3 places and was being transferred to the trauma ward at The Alfred Hospital in Melbourne.  I was also told I was very lucky to be able to move my arms and legs.  Shit.

C arrived and I lay on my back staring at a ceiling for what seemed like forever (I have never wanted a ciggie and beer so much in my life) until I was vac-packed into a stretcher.  The paramedic asked if I had ever been in an ambulance before. Telling her I have never even broken a bone, she joked "Well, you picked a bloody good one to start with!"

What followed consisted of the usual hospital stuff; strong painkillers, concerned visitors, needles, X-rays, CT and CAT scans, being woken up at 7am to be bombarded with a heap of confusing information about my condition and options. Options.  My fantastic prospects were either having neck surgery to fuse three of my vertebrae together or wearing a halo brace for the next 12 weeks, allowing my neck to heal naturally.  I'm making this sound light-hearted.  It was awful.  My original thought was surgery.  Get it over with, I do NOT want to wear one of those things for 3 months.  Lots of discussions with professionals and loved ones convinced me otherwise.  The halo was my best option.  C was by my side for most of this and I have never been more grateful for someone's unconditional support and strength.  He was basically my PA for a week, handling a multitude of phone calls, asking the questions I was too overwhelmed to think about, fetching everything I needed, driving here, there and everywhere and holding my hand through the tough stuff.

I had the halo fitted on 16th February.  The fitting was one of the most unpleasant things I have ever experienced (and apparently I have a high tolerance to pain).  Unlike other blogs I have read, there was no morphine, only local anaesthetic.  There is immense pressure when the pins are screwed and I could hear every click and turn.  I probably made it worse as my mind was completely rejecting the though of having to wear the Halo so it really freaked me out.  The docs said "I did really well",  I felt like I was a total wuss.

Reading other people's experience has really helped me through this ordeal, and writing this has been a form of therapy.  This is a blatantly honest account and, although I may joke, I have not sugar coated the experience.  If you are in / going to be in a halo, I hope that I can shed some light on what to expect, although everyone is different.  This is merely my humble advice:

• It DOES get easier.  You are probably sick of hearing this but it's true.
• Don't let people tell you how to behave or what you can and can't do, although listen to advice and be cautious with your actions.  You don't want to be in a halo any longer than you need to be.
• Being in a Halo can be really boring. Don't feel you have to fill your time with anything productive.  By all means, read War and Peace and learn 3 languages if that's your thang but if you want to binge watch the pits of TV in your jammies for 3 months you have every right.  Healing is your job for now. 
• You will be asked the same questions over and over and over and over...("I sleep ok, on my side with the corner of a pillow under my cheek so I feel less like I'm floating"). Be patient.  People are curious and interested which is better than being ignorant and dismissive.
• With a bit of luck you will learn to appreciate your family and friends in a way you never thought possible.  Allow them to help you and vow to yourself to repay them in any way you can, when you are able.
• Recognise your mind and body have been through a traumatic experience.  A positive attitude helps, but allow yourself the tears, tantrums and frustrated rants.  Then get over it, and move on.
• 12 weeks is a long time but the Halo is temporary.  This too shall pass...